Sunday Stories: Anger or CF? and Welcome to Liceland

Anger or CF? Which came first?

When the SUV stopped hard in the middle of the crosswalk, we and the crowd of families with soccer kids had the “walk” symbol. The hurrying driver realized he’d stopped too deep, a common mistake easily forgiven at that point. But then he looked over at us and decided to compound his mistake and step on the gas and make the right turn. My fuse burned fast. And I added to his mistake by yelling out “Jerk Off” in front of everyone and, I hoped, loud enough for him to hear. My wife looked at me in the way only wives can do, and I apologized to everyone. I meant to say “asshole.” But I caught myself, just not in time to keep quiet. I redirected the impulse and fired off another nicer term for the young impressionable minds, each of whom, thanks to me, asked their parents tonight: What’s a Jerk-Off, Pa? Well, son, that’s someone who yells “Jerk-Off” in public. I don’t understand, Pa? Well, son, let me make it simple. It’s the same as an asshole. Exactly.

In a perfect world, without CF, my wish would have been for the SUV driver to stop, get out, and for me to deliver a beating to ensure he wouldn’t run a crosswalk again with kids present. It makes me wonder if I were “cystic fibrosis free,” would I be blogging from jail right now? Is my anger created by the trials of cystic fibrosis, or not? I believe I would not have the degree of pent-up anger without the life CF gave me, or has taken from me, depending on one’s point of view.

Welcome to Liceland. Now go home.

If my wife owned a flamethrower, our house would be a pile of ashes right now. She would let rip with the weapon and scream, “Burn in Hell, lice, Burn in Hell,” until there was nothing left. My daughter and I would stand watching, silent, fearful we might draw her attention and earn a good singeing of our hair as a precaution.

This weekend has been difficult on my wife, who has the strength and courage of a frontierswoman. But even lice can break the strong. She’s cried several times from being overwhelmed. She is due. Her chromosome-challenged husband has mild hemoptysis and may be hospital bound. And, our house, garage and a car are filled with quarantined black plastic bags of anything non-washable. “Can you fit in one of these bags,” she asked me. I kid that she did, maybe. Yes, I kid. Stop it, Fox.

The bug bags will be here for the next two weeks (she wants four weeks) while the eggs, if there are eggs,  hatch and die. My fear is that my wife will have done all of this work to eradicate the lice, then my daughter will go back to school Monday and be infected again.

We emailed the school Friday. They’ll do an inspection Monday. What’s interesting is how many families don’t tell the school when their kid gets lice. We discovered this over the weekend: “Oh, yeah, so and so had lice, and so did they and them. Oh, and them, too.” Yet, we don’t remember the school mentioning them or they. Oh, well, what can you do?

So, we continue to vacation in Liceland and abide by the strict laws of the country. We strip down to our birthday suits before entering the house, then receive a chemical shower, a body-cavity scan from TSA workers, and fresh white space suits. In my Darth Vader voice: “Lice, I am your father.”

We’ll kick the lice problem, one day. Or soon we’ll be living at the Holiday Inn for a few weeks until we catch bed bugs and have to move to the moon, which is bug free I hear. But who knows? Perhaps here is a louse living there that burrows into your ear and eats your brain, which, for me, makes the moon the perfect place to live.

15 thoughts on “Sunday Stories: Anger or CF? and Welcome to Liceland

  1. You see yourself in a totally different way to how I see you. You wouldn’t kick off with the guy if you didn’t have CF. Thats got nothing to do with it. Yea you shouted at him. Good. Not that i want to blow smoke up your ass but you are an inspiration to me so try that as a view point.

    As for the lice – WTF??? what kind of life do you keep in a bag???

    • Matt, You are hard up for inspiration, and my ass is on fire now. Thanks an F’ing lot. Oh, the lice. I feel like Brando in Apocalypse Now. Or, maybe Sheen Sr. having to eradicate the vermin. Thanks for the visit. UC

  2. Crazy times at your house, man. We did annual lice, vision, and hearing tests in elementary, and I don’t remember any time when someone actually had lice. This is so interesting, even though it totally sucks for you guys… ummm… thanks for sharing, sucks to be you… you know, that sort of thing.

    I’m not sure your anger has as much to do with CF as it does being a middle-aged, frustrated guy who is in the middle of a crises… even though the crises is CF-related. I may have said “a-hole!” but I’m only 32. 😉

  3. This post made me panicky, UC. (Although if you read my recent post, you know that’s not too hard to come by). And itchy too. Thanks.

    I don’t know what it is about those nasty little critters, but they make the most even-keeled person go over the edge.

    Perhaps it’s the realization that for all of our progress, we’re still plagued by the same things our ancestors before us were plagued by: lice, bed bugs, rampant breakouts of lethal viruses, and death. Ring the church bells, there’s no escape.

    Wishing peace for you.

    • Lizi, you and the panic. Always the panic. You need a panic proof treat like Otter Pops. Every time you feel panicky, reach for one of them and you’ll feel better. Is this these worse f’ing advice you’ve ever heard? F yes, it is. I’m good at delivering it too. And you’re right, there is no escape. UC

      • Um, okay, maybe I’ve been talking about panic a bit much lately. I’ve been feeling it too.

        Have your replies tonight been enhanced by some psychotropic medication or another earthy substance that grows near cabbage?
        If yes, pass it along, share the goodies. 🙂

        Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite.

      • Lizi, Hey, maybe talking about it is a good thing. No, my posts are not enhanced. Imagine what they would be like if they were. Maybe I could finally finish writing a novel. That’s a novel idea. I’ll put your name in the credits. “I ate them and wrote the book. It was that simple. – thanks, Lizi.” F the bed bugs and the lice. I can’t wait to leave Liceland. UC

  4. ♪ That’s Lice. That’s what all the people say. You try to sterilize your house, but burn it down any waaaaaaay… ♫

    Never had lice, but seen it many times at school as a kid. Yuck.

    To be honest, UC…I think if it wasn’t CF pissing you off, it’d be something else. It just human nature and the character traits that we possess. If CF didn’t piss me off, then it would my job, or how my life didn’t turn out quite the way I wanted it to…because there will always be something.

    I was listening to the radio interview the other day with the lead singer of the band CAKE – John McCrea – and they asked him if he’s enjoyed his musical career and he said (I’m paraphrasing here):

    “It’s been fun, but I’m tired. What I really want to do now is start a farm in the country. Really get down in the dirt and dig in the earth.”

    The reporter asked him if he realized that there were probably millions of people listening to him and wishing they could be where he is now.

    John McCrea said: “It’s funny how we all want to be somewhere else, even when we are successful. It’s always greener, ya know?”

    P.S. – I hate when people speed through kid zones! No one says fights have to be just “put up your dukes” 30’s style boxing, ya know. If that “jerk off” would have gotten out of the car, you could have taken a metal lunch pail from one of the kids and swung for the fences. The headline would read:

    “Driver taught lesson by a man wearing grocery bag mask and a Justin Bieber lunch box as weapon.”

    • Josh of Joshland,

      I see Moganko has taken over your keyboard again, or you stopped in one of those neighborhoods where you buy stuff with cash you later put in a pipe. You are quite happy and glay today, which is a good thing. I am happy to see it.

      I don’t like the group CAKE. I’m more of a CUPCAKE fan. I know they’re a smaller band, but they are still tasty good with awesome guitar licks.

      Yes, the grass is always greener. Are you saying I really want to be in prison, and the prisoner really wants to be me? Do I get a cell to myself? You’re going to deep for my shallow brain.

      See, you would have killed the guy too. But, I must tell you that I would not of used the Justin Bieber lunch box. It would have bounced off his head. I would have used the A Team lunch box or something with some teeth.

      UC to you.

      • I’m hopped up on orange soda. Don’t worry, I’ll come back down to earth soon enough. By the way, regarding your comment on my blog, Moganko is a part of CF Awareness, but he prefers to stay in the background….for now. You just wait. I have big plans, M’boy!

        There actually is a bad called CUPCAKE. They seem…interesting.

        http://www.myspace.com/2151980/music/songs/Welcome-To-The-Candy-Store-Album-Version–113131

        You have a little bit of a prison obsession going on right now. I’m concerned your brain is not getting enough air. Remember, if you start to hyperventilate you CAN take the bag off your head. Oxygen is good. Self-induced hallucinations are bad.

        I only said it was a Justin Bieber lunchbox because I’m trying to think logically. Had this incident occurred in 1985, A-Team lunch boxes all the way.

      • J-Man of J-Manland,

        You just realized my brain isn’t getting enough air? That’s the story of my life.

        Ouch about the A-Team 80s dig. I can’t wait for you to be signing at one of your book tours 20 years from now and have a young pup come up to you and tell you how yesterday Justin Bieber T-shirts are and ask you why you’re still wearing one at a book signing. Oh, and why the toupee? he’ll add.

        UC

    • Dear Justin Beaver Pelt fan,

      Actually, it wasn’t a shot at your lack of hair as much as it was a shot at the fact you’ll be the kind of guy in 20 years who chooses to wear a toupee. you’ll be basking in the glory of your success as an author and feel you need the added cooless of fake hair. So there. But I like the added shot I got in. That was a bonus. Thanks for letting me know about the extra point.

      Best regards,

      Mr. T’s Mohawk Groomer

      • This from a guy who wears a bag on his head. Unbe-freakin’-lievable! I would NEVER wear a toupee simply for my own safety. I can only imagine someone mistaking it for a rabid animal and pummeling it until they realized it was a rug. Plus, I don’t need any help from you to look ridiculous. I lettered in “Ridiculosity” in high school. In fact, I was all state my senior year. 🙂

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